Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
