no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
