Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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