sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
fuck your aforementioned shoe
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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