he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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