Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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