I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
