its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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