My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My balls are so social today.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
