I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
