I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
