My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she peed on how many people?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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