Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
