Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
