i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
