It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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