You smell like a Billy Joel song
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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