The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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