We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
