I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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