I think I won the penis lottery.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
