We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
