Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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