wanna go halves on a baby?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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