Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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