dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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