Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
