I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize