you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
