it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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