I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just found puke in my bra..
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
