Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Randomize
