I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
