DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
