I can't watch pbs sober anymore
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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