I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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