no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
