We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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