I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
