i need an iv and a liver transplant
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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