stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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