So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
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