i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
