Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
