Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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