The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My ATM looks so different sober.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize