my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
