Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
