I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
