I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
