Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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