here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
