if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
