I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
