I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
