So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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