All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
