I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize
