Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
