who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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