Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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